– Thursday August 7 – 2003 :: I Want a New Girlfriend

Quick Update (12:00AM EST) Jack
Here’s a quick update for you porn fiends out there.

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At the Oldfolks home, there was an elderly woman, Myrtle, who was not quite mentallystable. Every so often the other residents would get an eyeful. It went likethis: Myrtle would strip out of her clothes and run out into the hallway. Atthis point she would stop in her tracks, start gyrating and begin yelling,”Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!” Most days, the orderlies wouldquickly throw a gown around poor old myrtle and take her back to her room, andthat would be the end of it.
One day the Old folks home got a new resident, a friendly old man named George.George, who wished to get accustomed to his new residence as quickly aspossible, asked about the goings on around the Home.
“Oh, things are pretty sweet here,” said one of the orderlies.”You get three meals a day cooked for you, You can have visitors wheneveryou want, and there is an incredible duck pond out back. Although… you have towatch out for Myrtle.”
George inquired about Myrtle, but all he could get out of anyone was a devilish,”Just wait and you’ll see.”
Several weeks pass, and then one day George was in his room, quietly reading amagazine. Out of the blue, In walks Myrtle, who had somehow made it all the waydown the hall, wearing nothing but a smile. George is wondering what to make ofall this when old Myrtle starts to gyrate around the room crying out,”Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!”
Needless to say, Old George is a bit taken aback when in come the orderlies,throw a gown over the poor woman and escort her back to her room.
“Well George,” Says one of the orderlies, “That was Myrtle. Sowhat do you think?”
George ponders this for a moment, looks at the orderly, and says,
“To be honest, I think I’d rather have the Soup.”

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A man callshome to his wife and says, ” Honey I have been asked to go fishing up inCanada with my boss &; several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. Thisis a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so couldyou please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box?We’re leaving from the office &; I will swing by the house to pick my thingsup. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactlywhat her husband asked.
The following week-end he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill and a few Pike. But whydidn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

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The Top12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

12. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
10. “Feel the force!”
9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”
8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”
6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank
Oz’s hand up my ass.”
4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too,hmmmm?”
2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”
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SnappyAnswers:
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As aman approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trenchcoat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I need to see yourticket, not your stub.”
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’tfind one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do theseturkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’redead.”
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled downhis window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kidreplied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the copfinally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Nowclass, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I mightconsider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death inyour immediate family but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, “Whatwould you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexualexhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. Whensilence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakesher head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the examwith your other hand.”

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Menknow…..that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know…..that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of thehouse.
Men know…..that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know…..that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, andthe truth.
Men know…..never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know…..that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know…..how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know…..exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas willget them.
Men know…..that from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know…..that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stareat her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons nottotally clear to them.
Men know…..that the reason men don’t like cats is because they don’t know howto cook them.
Men know…..that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name isBambi…
Men know…..that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good hisdaughter is in bed.
Men know…..that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

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A blind manis walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busyintersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on thestreet, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This isfollowed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers trydesperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the otherside of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket,which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident,can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth areyou rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To find outwhere his head is, so I can kick his ass.”

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